hi
I’m not really sure what you will or won’t know when I give this to you, or if I’ll even be giving this to you at all. I wrote this for you because I want you to know that I like you. Sorry, it’s really bad that I’m not thinking of your feelings when I write this, and that I’m just writing this for my own personal benefit.
before I say anything else, I just want to remind you that I actually did owe you about $30 in food and random shit so the price of the headphones should not be a big deal. I’m bad with money anyway and buy useless things, whereas I’m sure the headphones will be useful to you.
I meant to tell you when I gave you the headphones that I liked you, but I found that I couldn’t. it was both because you were rushing for time and because I’m weak, which is why I’m writing this shitty letter now. anyway, moving on… the headphones really have nothing to do with the rest of the contents of this letter; they were just supposed to be a thoughtful present.
I’ve had a really difficult time perceiving time correctly these last few months because summer classes are terrible and soul-consuming, but I still feel like I haven’t known you for a very long time, nor liked you for a long time. actually, though, thinking about it, it’s been a rather substantial amount of time, and I probably already liked you the second week of class because I’m dumb and you are cute.
you probably noticed that I was telling you way too much stuff about myself back then; it was because I really wanted to be closer to you. I (mostly) stopped because I felt like you knew me but I didn’t know you at all. I’d also concluded at this point that if you liked me at all, it was only a little bit and not anything significant enough to pursue and things could probably only end badly, but I just kept doing whatever I wanted because this kind of self-destructive behavior comes naturally to me.
thinking about it more, I really don’t know you that well, but I liked spending time with you and I liked you. I don’t want you to feel guilty just because I feel bad now, so I just want you to know that it wasn’t anything you did that is making me feel this bad. with ben it was different because he was definitely doing things to make me think he was interested in me, but all you were doing was being nice, which was both really great and kind of depressing for me.
you definitely noticed how sad I got the last few weeks; I was trying to come to terms with the fact that nothing really was going to come out of this. when I come to this sort of realization, I get pretty depressed. I care a lot about grades, but not really enough to break down over, and I didn’t have reason enough for how much I was crying. I was just using that as an excuse.
I don’t know if this letter really explains anything at all, but I tried to explain some things that maybe didn’t make sense before or I tried to hide. you don’t have to reply, but if you do, please do not type/text it. that’s my only request; I just can’t do this kind of thing over the internet anymore. even writing this letter I feel a little bit ridiculous. I guess I’m kind of wondering what you were thinking this whole time.
anyway, I hope you have a good time during fall semester being away from school. I don’t know what state our friendship will be in or if it will exist when you get back, but I’m not going to have any hard feelings and I get rejected relatively often so please don’t feel guilty.
